Boarding School Blues – Chapter 19

Boarding School Blues
By
Levi Holland

Chapter 19

Xavier’s first month at Blue Ridge was filled with homesickness.

By the end of the first few weeks, he thought his heart might actually break. His roommate Logan was nice to him—a country boy who had more posters of guns, deer, and the outdoors than anyone Xavier had ever known. Very different than his own privileged lifestyle. Every time he saw Logan, Xavier was reminded of Roman, because having a roommate was a lot like having a brother.

The day Xavier arrived at Blue Ridge, Roman buried his tear-stained face against Xavier’s side, squeezing his arms around his older brother in a vice grip. Roman promised to write him every single day, and true to his word, when Xavier’s first care package arrived, over a dozen handwritten letters were stuffed inside, including several crayoned pictures made by Roman. One of Xavier’s favorites was of the two of them holding hands on a sunny beach as a big blue wave crashed against the sandy shore. It wasn’t very good, but it was everything to him. Pinned against his bedroom wall, it was the first thing Xavier saw waking up and the last thing before going to bed.

His classes were alright, and the professors were nice, but a top student he had never been. Especially in math. The numbers always swam across the page. He understood how they were supposed to work together, but the moment he was alone, a mental barrier blocked his path. Maybe if he’d studied more, if math hadn’t been so tricky, then maybe things wouldn’t have ended so terribly.

It was late October, just over two years ago.

Fall break meant a long weekend free from classes. Xavier was sitting on one of the marble benches outside in the courtyard, working on one of his letters back to Roman. His brother had drawn himself dressed as Michael Myers for Halloween. Did Roman remember making that drawing? Xavier never forgot it.

An approving whistle from behind drew his attention.

“Good morning, Professor Bell,” Xavier said.

“Morning, Xavier. What’re we working on today?”

Professor Bell slid along the open seat across from Xavier and set his steaming mug down on the surface before adjusting his sweater and warming his hands. The mountain chill numbed Xavier’s hands, but the clear, sunny day was too nice to stay indoors.

“A letter to my brother,” he explained. “He sends me these drawings each month, so I try to write him back about each of them. See? He’s Michael Myers in this one.”

Bell nodded in understanding. “Ahh, you two must be pretty close.”

Xavier smiled. “He’s the best brother ever.”

“Did you know that not many people know I have a brother? Two, actually. I’m the oldest, just like you.”

“Are you guys close?”

Bell tilted his head as he considered the question. “Not so much now, but we were pretty inseparable growing up. Always running around, getting into all sorts of trouble. We were probably half the reason for our mom’s gray hairs. Sorry, I didn’t mean to distract you with all my rambling.”

Xavier was quick to perk up. One of the coolest teachers at Blue Ridge wanted to talk with him, spend time with him. Of course he didn’t mind!

When their conversation finally ended, Bell took his emptied mug and left, but not before giving Xavier’s shoulder a soft squeeze in passing. “Keep being that great older brother, Xavier.”

Time had a way of blurring at Blue Ridge, and before he knew it, winter break had arrived. Xavier spent some of his free time exploring sections of Blue Ridge castle he hadn’t been to yet. Obviously the girls’ spires were totally off limits, but that was okay with him. Girls were like a foreign language. You heard them alright, but they were impossible to understand.

He ended up looping around to the school’s library, where towering shelves stretched high towards the ceiling. The fireplace crackled brightly as Xavier discovered Professor Bell reading a novel in one of the thick padded chairs. The flames warmed Xavier’s skin as the two locked eyes.

“Already out of things to do?” Bell joked and waved Xavier to take the cushiony chair opposite of him.

“What’re you reading?” Xavier asked. For some reason, he never thought his science teacher would want to read regular books in his free time.

“Oh, just a boring story about a small hockey community.”

Xavier smirked. “If it’s so boring, then why are you reading it?”

“I was trying to be polite,” Bell said. “I think you would find it boring. I find it fascinating.”

“Mhmm.”

Xavier smiled and turned his attention to the rolling flames. One of the logs sank with a crack into the embers, and a burst of sparks floated into the chimney.

“So what’s on your mind? Cold as it is, I doubt you’re sticking around just for the fire.”

Xavier looked over. Bell had tucked his novel beside him and turned his full attention towards him. His teacher wanted to hear what he had to say. Xavier sighed.

“I’m just not sure about going home this Christmas. I already know my dad won’t be there—and Roman’s great, obviously, but my mom works all the time too, and it’s lonely with just the two of us. There’s always people to hang around with at school.”

True to his point, a trio of teenage girls strolled past, laughing together as they returned a stack of books to the librarian at the front desk.

Bell leaned forward with his hands clasped together, his chocolate brown eyes reflecting the warmth and comfort of the chimney fire.

“You’ve got a lot of great friends here, Xavier. And I think you’ve got a great family, even if sometimes they can feel a little distant. It’s important to treasure both, but it’s also important to live in the moment. Make the most of your Christmas with your brother. The people you have looking out for you at Blue Ridge will be waiting for you when you’re back.”

Xavier nodded, coming to grips with the fact that he was part of two worlds now, his life at Blue Ridge and his life away. Professor Bell made it easy to see things in a different way, and Xavier knew he would miss his teacher more than anyone.

***

“You can’t keep going on like this, Xavier. Any more tests like your last one, and you’ll fail the class.”

Xavier hung his head across from Professor Lee in her office. She was right. He’d totally blown his last math test! Ever since getting back from winter break, his grades had been slipping more each day. Nothing he tried worked.

“What happens if I fail?” Xavier asked. “Do I have to repeat the year, or am I kicked out of school?”

“I’d like to think you have it in you to succeed, young man,” she said. “But I also think a little extra support can go a long way. Have you considered working with a tutor?”

“You’re going to tutor me in math?”

Professor Lee shook her head and brushed back a strand of her glossy, black hair behind her ear. “That would be unethical since I already teach you math. No, we would find somebody who can help support your specific needs.”

“I’m not stupid,” Xavier growled. “I can do it!”

The sharp tsk sound Professor Lee made with her tongue silenced him.

“It is not an issue of smarts, Xavier. Everyone is different. Having a tutor is not a blemish on who you are.”

It sure felt that way. Xavier didn’t know anyone else who had to stay behind and talk about failing Professor Lee’s class.

Later on, when Logan asked him how his talk went, Xavier said, “She thinks I’m an idiot who needs help with math. I don’t want to have to stay behind each day.”

Logan sat cross-legged on his bed while using a toothpick to prod at the leftover lunch stuck between his teeth. “Isn’t it worse to get held back?”

“Uggh, Probably,” Xavier said. He fell back against his bed and turned to face Roman’s pinned up pictures on his wall. If Roman could draw his emotions right then, there’d be a dozen numbers flying out of his head while his brain smoked from the overload. “Can’t you help me? We could stay up late and go over homework before bed.”

“Help you?” his roommate asked. “Shoot, I’m barely scraping by. Just go ask someone, man.”

Xavier had all but kissed his life at Blue Ridge goodbye when Professor Lee approached him at dinner the next night with a beaming smile. Everyone at the table traded glances. Their professors didn’t just walk over and chat unless someone was in big trouble. Xavier’s cheeks burned when she had him follow her.

Back at the teacher tables, Professor Bell gave him a kind wave. It turned out Professor Lee had spoken about his tutoring needs, and Bell was quick to offer up his time.

“Really, it’s no problem at all,” he said as he dug his fork into the salad on his plate. “Because of the Blue Ridge Buddies, I don’t have any extra responsibilities right after classes. Honestly, Xavier. This will be good for you.”

And he believed it. Because Professor Bell was awesome, and because Xavier wanted to spend time with him.

As spring blossomed on campus, Xavier spent extra time each day with Professor Bell in his class. It had taken some time to get approval from Headmaster Robinson to miss some of his club activities, but after that, the two of them met for half an hour each day, working through some of the trickier skills Xavier struggled with all year. It was Professor Bell who realized Xavier was missing some foundational math skills, but after several weeks of exhausting and grueling drills, he was making progress. Even Xavier could see the tutoring was working.

After clawing his way back, Xavier knew he was far from out of the hole, but as his 6th grade year drew to a close, he had a decent shot at passing.

All that was left was the final test. If he managed a 70 or higher, he would pass. He barely slept at all the night before, tossing and turning so much that Logan threatened to make him sleep on the suite couch outside their bedroom.

Xavier’s feet dragged like a zombie as he slumped into class, but as he answered each test question, remembered all the different tips and strategies Professor Bell taught him over the past couple months, his confidence grew. When Professor Lee showed him his test score at the end of class, Xavier snatched it and ran all the way down to Professor Bell’s office.

Seeing Professor Bell through the door’s glass window, Xavier barged inside and nearly cried with happiness.

“I got a 74! I passed!”

Bell was out of his seat in a second and scooped Xavier up in a hug as he spun him around. Xavier was dizzy with excitement and joy and affection, and a million other emotions big and small coursing through him. Bell looked over the paper, and Xavier figured he was checking to see the problems he still got wrong. Instead, Bell surprised him by talking about all the things he did right.

“You nailed order of operations—and then the patterns, nice job! Wow, even the algebraic stuff. We worked on that for weeks. Xavier, this—”

His arms were suddenly wrapped around his teacher as he cried, and Bell’s arms folded over him, too.

“I’m so proud of you,” his teacher whispered above him as Bell gently rubbed his back.

***

When 7th grade started, it was only a few weeks into the year when Professor Lee suggested tutoring again with Professor Bell.

Xavier couldn’t have agreed quicker, eager to spend more time with his favorite teacher. He couldn’t quite explain why, but lately being around the man made his chest feel tight and his words freeze up. It was a lot like being nervous during a project, but in a good way.

Their tutoring sessions continued as normal until one day, Xavier arrived outside of Bell’s classroom the same time his favorite teacher was on his way out.

Bell smacked his forehead when he saw Xavier with his books.

“Tutoring, right, of course. Sorry, Xavier. Headmaster Robinson’s got us scrambling all over the place to have decorations in time for the Halloween dance.”

“So we can’t meet today?” he asked, trying to ignore the way his chest stung.

Professor Bell started to shake his head but then stopped. “Well, there is another place we could go. Only if you wanted to, of course, but my home is always available.”

“I’m okay with that!” Xavier blurted out and struggled to keep the blush from spreading across his cheeks. Why were his words so jumbly lately? “I mean, if you’re sure it’s okay.”

A smile crossed Bell’s face as he stepped back inside the classroom and scribbled directions on a piece of paper before scurrying past. “Perfect. Let’s say around 7 o’clock then. I’ll make sure the door’s open for you.”

As dusk settled, Xavier walked the winding cobblestone path away from Blue Ridge’s campus, past the lake, and through the canopy of woods leading to the teachers’ homes.

Stopping under a nearby streetlamp, Xavier dug the crumpled sheet of paper from his pocket and checked the directions once more. As if plucked from the pages of a storybook, all the houses possessed a quaint charm. Bell’s house was surrounded by a white picket fence like the others, with a manicured lawn and rows of bright flowers huddled together in the garden bed. A winking gnome waved at him from the shadows of the yard’s oak tree as Xavier rubbed the goosebumps from his arms, walked the small set of stairs, and knocked on the cherry wood door.

An owl hooted nearby as Xavier stood there awkwardly. His backpack was beginning to strain his shoulder. Did he have the wrong house? After he knocked again, Xavier remembered what his professor had said about leaving the door open. Was it right to go inside, though? That sounded a lot like trespassing. The curtains were all drawn shut on the main windows, so he cupped his hands around his face and leaned against the tiny window slit at the door.

The living room was empty, other than the glow from the table lamp and the news playing from the TV. On the coffee table in front of the couch was an open math textbook along with a mini whiteboard and some markers. At least he was in the right place.

The chill of the doorknob surprised him, and at any moment, he expected someone to yell at him, demanding to know why he was so far from the dorms at night. There was no point in waiting outside only to get busted. The door gave no resistance as Xavier opened it up, and the sound from the TV immediately filled his ears.

“Professor Bell?” he called out. “It’s Xavier.”

When there wasn’t any answer, Xavier moved further inside the living room before setting his backpack on the couch. The living room led directly into the kitchen, where a kettle of tea brewed on the stove, but his teacher wasn’t there either.

From deeper inside the house, there was the sound of squealing metal. Xavier pursued the noise, pausing to look at some of the hanging photographs Professor Bell had of his family. They ranged back from when he graduated college down to his younger days at Blue Ridge with his roommate. In one of them, Professor Bell looked to be about his age, with his arm locked around the neck of another boy as the two flashed twin mischievous grins at the camera.

Xavier had to stop himself from reaching up and touching the photos. His teacher was cute in these photos, but he was handsome now, his features sharper and more chiseled in his late twenties.

At the end of the hallway, there was a cracked door, and Xavier gently pushed it open before calling his teacher’s name again.

“Xavier? Shit!”

Xavier blushed as Professor Bell danced on one foot as he tried to pull his briefs up. Even though his teacher turned away, there was no rewinding what Xavier had seen. The thick, hanging dick between his teacher’s legs was so much bigger than Xavier would have guessed, with a trail of dark brown hair spreading from his bushy groin all the way up to his belly button and down his thighs. Even his teacher’s balls looked twice the size of his own. As Bell pivoted the other way, his black briefs only hugged tight against his firm ass cheeks.

That fluttery, tightness was back in Xavier’s chest, and his penis sprang to its full hardness as it rubbed along the inside of his own underwear.

“I’m sorry!” Xavier stammered and pulled the door quickly shut before running back to the couch and burying his face in shame.

When Bell came to greet him on the couch, he was dressed in a sleeveless t-shirt and sweats, his hair still damp from his recent shower. The scent from his teacher’s body wash reminded Xavier of a misty spring morning. He could barely make eye contact without dying from embarrassment.

Bell cleared his throat. “I, uhh, I’m sorry you had to see that.”

Xavier was sure that if he looked in the mirror right then, his skin would be brighter than a tomato’s.

“I shouldn’t have been snooping.”

“No, no, it’s my fault. I was the one who told you to come in.”

“But I saw you…you know?”

“Naked?”

Xavier was dying from embarrassment all over again as he nodded. Professor Bell shrugged in a nonchalant way that Xavier thought was the coolest.

“I’m sure it’s not much different than seeing your suitemates naked.” When Xavier’s jaw dropped, Bell said, “What, you think I don’t remember what it was like to be a kid here?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think teachers said things like that.”

Bell bumped his shoulder into Xavier’s. “Eh, so what? We’ve known each other long enough now. If I can’t be honest with you, then who can I?”

That helped break the ice, and after Professor Bell excused himself to take the tea from the stove, Xavier decided if his favorite teacher wasn’t embarrassed about being caught naked, then he wouldn’t be either.

They were close to wrapping up for the evening when a nagging question kept bothering Xavier. Taking a risk, he said, “Professor Bell, can I ask you a personal question?”

“Go on,” he said, checking through the algebra problems they’d worked on over the night.

“What is it like…” Xavier paused and couldn’t believe he was about to ask this. He cleared his throat and tried again. “What is it like having so much hair? On your body, I mean.”

Bell set the paper down and faced Xavier on the couch. “It’s a little hard to say, since I’ve had it for so long now. It doesn’t grow all at once, you know.”

Xavier blushed. “Erm, yeah, I know. I have a few hairs too. You know, down there.”

Talking like this was making Xavier hard again, and for the first time that evening, Bell’s face flushed. Xavier never considered how his teacher might get embarrassed like regular people. He thought nothing fazed the man.

“Then, you already know they’re a little different than the hair on your head. Why, do you want a lot of hair on your body?”

Xavier reached his fingers out before his mind could convince him otherwise as he gently teased his teacher’s arm hair. “Maybe, but I don’t know. I think it would take some getting used to.”

He shivered as Bell’s fingers matched his, tracing along the smooth, bare skin of his forearm.

“I wouldn’t be in a rush to grow up so soon,” Bell whispered, leaning forward. “I think you’re perfect the way you are.”

His whole insides burned as Bell’s lips tickled the downy hairs on his cheek, and goosebumps erupted across his body. When their lips met, Xavier gasped into the kiss. His boner had been teetering back and forth since they started talking, but now it was like unbending steel as an overwhelming ache to touch and grab it coursed through him.

Sometimes it was like that whenever he had an intense dream. He’d wake up in his bed, grinding against the covers, tantalizingly close to…something, but never able to reach it. It was like trying to hold a fistful of water. He could never catch the whole thing.

Xavier finally pulled away and took a few panting breaths, noticing the thick lump sticking up against Bell’s sweatpants.

“I, uhh, probably shouldn’t have done that,” Bell said, shaking his head as he closed his eyes.

“Why not?” Xavier asked. “I wanted to do it, too.”

His teacher’s forehead creased in thought as he scratched it. “Yes, but I’m also more than twice your age, Xavier. You’re a minor. I’m an adult. There’s a lot wrong with what just happened.”

Xavier couldn’t see the big deal and said as much. “So what? It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone. Besides, that was really fun.”

Bell said nothing, and as the timer on his phone went off, signaling the end of their tutoring, he hastily gathered up the materials on the coffee table. As he did, the lump pressed forward against his sweatpants the same way Xavier used to make teepees in his bedroom.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Xavier asked.

“No, of course not,” he said, but he still wouldn’t look at Xavier as he returned the papers and textbook to Xavier’s book bag. After that, he was quick to shuffle Xavier out the door and told him to hurry back to the castle.

For the next few days, Bell canceled their tutoring. There was always some lame excuse about why they couldn’t meet. Xavier knew it was because of the kiss. He wasn’t stupid. Why didn’t his teacher understand how badly he wanted the kiss too?

Three days later, Xavier was back at Bell’s house. His teacher came up with a reason for why they couldn’t meet in the classroom like normal. They both knew it was bogus. It’s just that Xavier didn’t care.

The chance to spend more alone time with his favorite professor was all he was interested in. Halfway through their next session, Xavier asked if they could kiss again, and unlike the first time, Bell didn’t hesitate.

As the stubble from his teacher’s chin grazed his own, Xavier leaned back under the man’s weight, immediately hard as they kissed. Xavier made sure to wear sweatpants like Bell had the last time. When his erection pushed against the cloth, there was no way his teacher could miss it.

The long fingers of Bell’s hand cupped against his dick, and Xavier heard someone moan inside the house before realizing it was himself. Bell worked his fingers along the outside of Xavier’s clothed erection, and it was like laying in his bedroom at night as he humped against the covers, trying to chase the pleasurable feeling that always managed to elude him, only this time, it was surging faster than ever before.

Something was happening near his groin, like a rubber band being stretched and stretched and stretched, until it finally snapped away, rippling through him all at once.

“Something’s…unngghhhh…feels good,” Xavier panted breathlessly, forcing his mouth away from Bell’s as his dick twitched against his teacher’s hand. There was a wetness down there too, and Bell was making his penis glide against it.

“Did you just cum?” his teacher asked.

Xavier could only stare down at his groin, too confused to give an answer. When he lifted the waistband of his sweats back, there was a little white puddle smeared beside his dusting of blonde pubes. His still-hard dick looked shiny with the stuff too, and a bleachy smell struck his nostrils.

“It’s never happened,” Xavier said and started to return his waistband, but Bell wanted a closer look and helped Xavier lower his sweats down to his thighs.

“That was your first time?” Bell asked as a smile crossed his face. “That’s a big deal!”

Xavier blushed and smiled, proud of himself for something he didn’t even really mean to do. But man, did he wish he could do it again. That feeling had been amazing. Just like what he’d been trying to make happen in his bed, but this time he’d gotten there. He wondered if Logan knew about this stuff, too.

Bare ass against the couch, Xavier looked down as Bell swiped a finger across the slippery stuff at his groin. His dick twitched as his teacher lifted his finger to his mouth and ate whatever was on it.

“Ewww,” Xavier said, blanching at the idea of eating something out of his dick. That was where he pissed from.

“You haven’t tried it, so you wouldn’t know,” Bell said. “Do you trust me?”

When Bell took another swipe and lifted his finger to Xavier’s lips, he wanted to push away and say no, but he was too curious about the taste. Besides, he trusted his teacher. Xavier didn’t resist as Bell smeared a finger past his lips, and he was surprised at the bitter-sweet taste and the way it clung to his tongue and the roof of his mouth. Not at all like he thought it would taste or feel.

“Can I see yours?” Xavier asked, wanting the chance to see his teacher’s body up close again. The fleeting glimpse after Bell’s shower had been etched in his mind, and now he wanted more.

When Bell unzipped his jeans and pulled down his briefs, his boner slapped against his torso, surrounded by the same dark nest of hairs Xavier saw days before.

“It’s so big,” Xavier breathed and glanced down at his much smaller package.

“Don’t worry,” his teacher said, “I’m sure you’ll have a lot more growing to do.”

Reaching out, Xavier placed his palm against his teacher’s dick, and Bell shuddered as Xavier lifted it upward. A thin string of clear moisture ran between the end of Bell’s penis down to his groin.

“Did you already do it?” Xavier asked.

Bell laughed softly. “Cum? No, but if you keep rubbing it, I probably will soon.”

Xavier knew that was exactly what he wanted to do. The explosively good feelings had made goosebumps ignite all over his body, and he wanted his teacher to feel the same.

Bell guided him on how to touch his penis. It wasn’t just about rubbing it. There was squeezing, and a pumping motion, and sometimes pausing to give extra attention to the sensitive part near the tip. Soon, Bell’s breaths came in short, sharp gasps before spewing out the same stuff Xavier made, only his was so thick and white, and there was way more of it. The idea of tasting it like before made his stomach feel squeamish.

Thankfully he wasn’t asked to. Before long it was time for Xavier to go, and after Bell helped him slip back into his sweater, he pulled Xavier in for a hug.

“That was very special, Xavier,” he said. “You’re a beautiful boy.”

“Do you think we could do it again some time?”

“Only if you promise to keep it a secret. People don’t understand relationships like ours.”

Were they in a relationship? Xavier didn’t think about what they did in the same way his parents must have dated before they got married. It left his insides with a fluttery feeling, even though there was a small voice in the back of his brain warning him of something he didn’t understand.

“I won’t tell anyone,” Xavier promised.

***

Shoving Roman against the wall was the worst day of Xavier’s life.

He hadn’t noticed when the changes started, but suddenly there was the Xavier who protected and loved Roman, and another who pushed him away.

Maybe they were two sides of the same coin, only his coin was spinning more and more out of control, and Xavier spent nights clamping his teeth down on his knuckles or pinching his fingernails into his skin until the pain forced him to stop.

Did he still like doing things with Professor Bell? Of course. They felt really nice, and who wouldn’t want to feel loved, appreciated, worshiped? Besides, his teacher understood him better than anyone, even better than Roman, and sometimes it felt like better than himself. Professor Bell always knew the right things to say.

Xavier’s body sang whenever his teacher snuck a gentle, teasing touch during school hours, unnoticed by anyone else but the two of them. Then, when they were alone at his house, it was like the whole world melted away. His teacher was good about making him feel like the most important person on the planet, only Xavier couldn’t deny anymore how the secret was eating away at him.

He was bitter and angry when he shoved Roman that last winter, not at his brother, really, but at himself. Roman was so oblivious to anything going on—he would never understand the way Xavier’s emotions raged through him like a violent eruption. When had he become so aggressive?

After Roman ran downstairs in tears holding the back of his head, Xavier punched himself in the same spot on his thigh until a grotesque bruise the size of his fist formed. He was so ashamed of himself that he couldn’t even bring himself to say goodbye to Roman when it was time to go back to Blue Ridge. Xavier spent weeks hating himself for that.

Of course Professor Bell asked about the bruise the next time he saw him naked, but Xavier didn’t want his teacher to think any less of him, so he lied, saying how he was running around careless and bashed his leg on the side of a dresser. The answer seemed to satisfy him as his teacher worked tender kisses down Xavier’s chest, pausing to suck at each nipple before going further down and engulfing his boner to the hilt. Man, he loved that.

Sometimes Xavier wondered if his roommate knew what was going on. He never said anything, but Logan would occasionally shoot him a wary glance when Xavier mentioned he was on his way to yet another tutoring session.

Whenever Logan or Professor Bell mentioned the fingernail marks on his body, he tried to brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal, as if every night his thoughts weren’t constantly buzzing in his head like a thousand beehives.

“You’re worrying too much,” Xavier would say.

“Of course I worry about you, we’re best friends,” Logan would say after they finished jerking off on their own beds.

“Of course I worry about you, you’re my special friend,” Professor Bell would say after swallowing Xavier’s cum.

By the time summer rolled around, Xavier was ready to be done with his secrets. He was going to tell Professor Bell that he liked being around him but didn’t want to be with him, at least not romantically. Besides, Roman would be starting school at Blue Ridge soon. Even if he’d been terrible at showing it lately, Xavier wanted to protect Roman, to make things right.

He just didn’t know how. How do you apologize to your brother for being the biggest jerk in the world and pushing him away for so long?

Worst yet, it was like his body was going through some strange form of withdrawal, and whenever he jacked off on his bed, Professor Bell invaded his thoughts like a parasite. That first time Roman saw him cum, Xavier had been so frustrated with himself for letting things go on too long with Professor Bell that he’d snapped and slammed the door in Roman’s face.

Things were going to be different. He was going to change. He had to, for Roman’s sake. Even if it meant he would never touch himself and cum again, he would do whatever it took. And he even convinced himself it was possible, for a little while at least.

Three days later, when Xavier asked Roman to hang out with him, it was like the old days between the two of them, laughing, playing games, teasing each other. When he asked Roman if he wanted to swim, he hadn’t intended to take advantage of him, but suddenly there he was, exposing himself in front of Roman. Could he be anymore fucked up?

His three days of abstinence made his head foggy and lustful, and suddenly every curious touch from Roman reminded Xavier of Professor Bell. When he coated Roman’s hand with his jizz, of course he freaked out. He didn’t know what to do, and so he shoved Roman out of his room again and cried on his floor for hours.

The worst part was that Xavier couldn’t figure out how to break the cycle. He was jammed in the mud and couldn’t wrench himself free. Roman had somehow become a vessel for him to direct his sexual urges towards. At least with Professor Bell, things had been different. God, what was wrong with him?

Xavier was so scared of himself, and if he was honest, scared of what Professor Bell might do if he rejected him. The morning Roman joined him at Blue Ridge, he sucker punched Roman, and a piece of Xavier broke forever.

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay away from me at Blue Ridge.”

Because if Roman wasn’t around him, then Roman couldn’t be around Professor Bell.

***

A week ago, Professor Bell’s classroom was empty. It was the time of day when everyone was at their clubs. Mostly, anyway.

Xavier should have been down at the archery ranges, but lately he’d had no interest. He was good at it, sure. He just didn’t care anymore. Nothing felt important to him. Whenever one of his teachers called him out on his apathy, Xavier shrugged them off, because what was he supposed to do?

In his mind, the solution was simple: go to Professor Bell, tell him things were over, and move on with his life. But whenever he’d try, the words died in his throat before he could get them out, and then they were making out again, and the cycle started all over. Professor Bell was like a drug.

When Xavier found him alone in his classroom, the man winked at him, and even though the attention still made his heart flutter, lately it was making his stomach sour.

“Close the door,” Professor Bell said softly.

Xavier had grown a lot taller over the past year since they started fooling around, but Professor Bell still had no trouble lifting him up onto the table. He was getting bolder lately with the places they hooked up.

Xavier was putty as Professor Bell worked one hand over his nipple while he sucked at Xavier’s throat. There were certain things his teacher did that always made him moan, no matter how much he tried to hold it back. Suddenly Xavier’s shirt was on the floor, and his jeans unzipped. His dick was leaking, knowing Professor Bell was about to suck him off again to a shuddering orgasm.

That’s when the door opened.

And there was Jordy.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Professor Bell muttered as he scrambled to his feet and tossed Xavier his shirt.

The halls were empty as Professor Bell ran to flag Jordy down. Xavier overheard fragments of the hushed conversation.

“…don’t want to talk…”

“…not what you think…”

“…but why were you and him…”

“…can work this out….misunderstanding…my place to explain…”

Xavier could only cradle his arms to his chest as he tried to comfort himself. Maybe this was what they needed, to be caught. Maybe that was his escape.

When Professor Bell came back, Xavier couldn’t read his expression. It was almost like his teacher was trying to convince himself of something. He told Xavier they were all going to meet at his house later that night. That was good. Maybe then Xavier could find a way to explain how jumbled up his insides felt lately.

But then of course things didn’t go that way. Why couldn’t Jordy have just reported them? Stayed at the castle that night? Then, nothing would have gone the way it had.

No, it wasn’t just Jordy’s fault. Xavier had been too much of a coward to do anything about it. Jordy’s death was just as much his fault.

Had Professor Bell always planned on killing Jordy? He wasn’t sure, but after Jordy was inside the man’s house, the two must have recognized something in the other’s face, because suddenly Jordy was trying to scramble away, and then Professor Bell was on him, tackling him, suffocating him, and Xavier felt like a child, frozen in fear, unable to even cry out.

“What did you do?” he croaked out in a whisper.

Jordy. Jordy wasn’t moving. Why wasn’t he moving?

“Xavier, it’ll be okay,” Professor Bell said, leaving Jordy’s body and standing to his feet.

Wake up, Jordy. Wake up!

“Stay away from me,” Xavier said.

He tried to run, tried to flee, but his teacher was like a savage animal. He’d become a monster. And suddenly Xavier’s head was burning as if someone set a fire to his temple, and everything went dark.

After that, he awoke in Professor Bell’s basement.

***

“Roman, I think I’m really messed up.”

Roman sat on the couch, knees huddled to his chest as Xavier finished his story. If he was honest, he didn’t understand it. It wasn’t so much the gross sex things with a man. He knew how good touching himself could feel now, especially when someone else was helping. What Roman couldn’t wrap his head around was why Xavier hadn’t just told the police or someone who could help.

But then maybe the way Xavier had cared about Professor Bell was the exact same way Roman cared about Fielding. Did anyone really get to choose who captured their heart? There were always consequences, though. Professor Bell had manipulated Xavier, and in doing so, Jordy lost his life, and Roman almost lost Xavier forever. Roman would hate his dead teacher for as long as he lived.

Reliving the memories where Xavier hurt him was like picking open a scab. How many nights had he woken up in hysterics? And yet, that whole time, Xavier was struggling more, hurting more, begging for someone to notice. Roman never noticed. He wanted to scream and smash windows and burn something down to ash.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Roman whispered.

“The things I did to you were,” he said.

Xavier refused to look at him, his eyes fixed instead on the red sneakers Roman got for him last Christmas. Because he loved him. Loved him still. The other night, all the caked on mud had been scrubbed from them meticulously until they shined like new. Roman had made sure of it.

The silence in the hospital room was deafening. Even the steady monitor beeps were drowned out. It was like the whole world was gone apart from the two of them, and as Roman stood to his feet, he hadn’t fully worked out what he wanted. Was it even possible to fix something that had been broken so many times, or were the pieces too small to hold?

Roman shuffled across the floor in his socks until he was in arms length of Xavier. If there was a way, if it was possible, Roman knew the path to healing started with the two of them. It had to. Xavier stiffened as Roman leaned down and wrapped his arms around his brother’s neck. Even still, Roman squeezed him tighter as the tears spilled from his eyes and dampened Xavier’s hospital gown. He’d cried so much lately, cried so much he was surprised he still had tears to give.

“I forgive you,” Roman said into his brother’s chest.

And then the best thing in the world happened that Roman could have ever hoped for.

Xavier hugged him back.

End Chapter 19

Copyright 2023 – Levi Holland
All rights reserved

Levi’s note for readers:
One more chapter to go, everyone! Thank you all for your patience as I dealt with the slow-editing process in the midst of my busy schedule. I hope you all have enjoyed where the story has taken off and landed, even if it might not be your typical cups of tea 😉 This chapter in particular was tough for me since I haven’t written adult/youth material, but my hope is that I painted Xavier’s relationship and backstory with as much sincerity and complexity as it deserved